Busy Busy

Lately I've been feeling very busy. I've been bringing Adrian to preschool and staying there the entire time three days a week to help him through his days. Ainsley has therapy 3 days a week in our home. Evie and Adrian both got a stomach bug. Ainsley had a major doctor appointment Friday that required me communicating with the records division at Cincinnati Children's staying up till the wee hours of the night filling out medical release forms. I realized I'd forgotten to turn in the payment for Adrian's Pay For K program. I've been trying to revise Ainsley's feeding formula and get approval from the dietitian. She needs to gain some weight. I've been in communication with the kid's school principal and transportation department to try to arrange busing home from school for the kids next year. We switched the kids rooms and I'm trying to sell furniture we no longer have space for. And finally I've been trying to get Ainsley enrolled in the WA State medically intensive waiver program so perhaps we can get some nursing assistance in the future, maybe even respite if I can find someone qualified to care for Ainsley that doesn't mind being paid $9.73 an hour. I talked with the program director on the phone, scheduled a 2 hour appointment with her this past Thursday and now have been given the overwhelming task of filling out forms, copying all her medical records and providing information so they can make a determination. It's pretty depressing to look at it all on paper. I had to type out her diagnosis, medications, a list of all her doctors and care providers (13 total not including the numerous people we've seen just once that are no longer a part of her team). They want me to provide dates of hospitalizations, procedures, tests and appointments. Seriously. I'll feel hugely relieved when this paperwork is done. Then there is just the regular care for 3 kids on top of regular life. Yes I AM busy.

All my adult life I've felt plagued by this feeling of busyness and a "to do" list that nags at me. Perhaps its from growing up with a mom who did the same. I cannot remember her ever not being busy. And I see this pattern repeating in myself and I don't like it. I've been slowly trying to read "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. Which I have to admit so far I'm having a hard time with. A page or two before bed and I'm ready to put it down.

Someone a few days ago said to me they have been so busy. Then said "I always feel bad when I say that to you." And I was surprised that before I could really think, out of my mouth popped "We all have 24 hours in the day." I've been thinking what did I mean by that and how did that come out of MY mouth since certainly I have been extra busy lately. Perhaps reading that book hit some sort of subconscious thought. I felt busy before I had kids. Then I had a baby and thought, "Dear God, I can't believe I thought I was busy before because NOW I'm REALLY busy." Then I had a second child and thought the same thing. Two kids what could be busier than that?! Well then I got my answer. THREE kids, one with more special needs than I knew were possible. And I know that there are people who have more than that in their lives. But YET, there are only 24 hours in each persons life to feel busy within. We are busy using those 24 hours in different ways. If you really think about it we are all busy doing something in our 24 hours per day. Even when you are sleeping you are busy recharging your body. But I think many of us FEEL busy. I think it's okay to BE busy but the problem is when we FEEL busy. I'm starting to think one key to happiness in life is to NOT FEEL like you are busy even when you are. That is tricky. Now I'm going to get back to my stack of medical paperwork and try not to let it overwhelm me and make me FEEL busy.