God

Those of you who know me personally know that I don't really believe in God. At least not in the way that most people think of, a being who is paying attention to the minutia of our lives and listening to our prayers. But every now and then he seems to call me out. Like tonight.

This is my day: Drag myself out of bed after a night of too little sleep, having gotten up at 3/4/5 am to suction Ainsley because she was coughing. Rush around to get myself and Ainsley ready to leave at 8:30 for the appointment. Help Steve get the kids ready for school. Rush to Children's for the surgery consult, rush home to schedule the surgery because we got tired of waiting for the scheduler after being at the appointment for 2 hours. Write a blog post. Paint the porch for 5 hours. Welcome the kids home from a play date. Say goodbye to the nurse and sign off on her paperwork. Make dinner. Clean while trying to help 2 kids do homework. (Steve is working late to make up for time lost at the appointment.) Get kids ready for bed. Change Ainsley's trach because she's been coughing like crazy. Get Ainsley's tube feeding ready and meds. Did I mention that I'm still getting over a cold? So I'm sitting on the bed with Ainsley over my legs. I've given her a feeding. I'm thinking to myself that the trach change seems to have helped the coughing. She's so sleepy she lays her head on my chest and it feels so good to just be sitting together. But it's been a big day and my mind starts to wander and I'm thinking about the surgery: what if when she gets over this cold she stops vomiting again? Maybe she's finally about to outgrow it. Maybe I should wait a few weeks to see what happens. What if, what if, what if..... And right then I think if God had a hand he'd have slapped me upside the head. But since he doesn't Ainsley coughs and vomits her entire feeding onto my chest without warning. I could almost hear God saying Neaner Neaner. Gotcha! Don't believe in me huh?

The hazy photo? That's because the camera is covered in VOMIT (it's my waterproof point and shoot). If you think it doesn't look too bad, that's because I scooped it all off onto the plate. This is just what was left. I don't think I'll be second guessing that Nissen anymore.